We were sitting In the doctor’s office when he told us, “your wife has breast cancer. ” All of a sudden the room vanished and I found myself In a darker room, unable to feel anything. I wanted to cry but couldn’t. She was shocked, Just like me. Was staring Into my eyes. “Don’t worry sweetheart,” she said after a few minutes. “l am going to be K. ” She was smiling at me as If nothing had happened. I don’t know how she could be so fearless. We had been married for 23 years: we had shared every single second of our happiness and grief together!
Whenever I needed someone she was here with her kind heart. She always held my hands and told me “as long as you have me, you don’t need to worry. ” I kept thinking what would happen to me if I lose those warm hands! At that time I was not able to think straight, I Just had millions of flashes in front of my eyes seeing myself all alone in places where we had been together. When we got home, everything looked different: dining table, kitchen, the couch in front of the television.
The following day, we went to another doctor hoping that the other one had made a mistake, but the results were the same. He told us her anger was so advanced that that they could do nothing for her and she had Just 3-4 months to live. When she heard that she Just smiled at me. That moment was Just a gateway to a gloomy future for me; I was sure that my life would not sense any Joy again. On our way back home, she asked to go to the restaurant where we spent our 23rd anniversary. She made me promise that I would come here every year.
She might not have understood how hard it was for me to make that promise. My hands were shaking. I couldn’t breathe. We ordered her favorite food. I couldn’t stop looking t her; looking at those eyes in which I had seen my life from the moment I met her. The next month passed while my soul was dying along with her body, she had more pain those days, but she was very good at pretending that she had not. She always said “I have no Idea why I don’t feel anything. ” But that was a lie. Every night before going to bed, I went to the back yard and looked at the sky, asking God to give me strength.
I never cried In front of her because she needed a strong person beside her to help her go on and gather all the energy which had been left In her body to feel like a healthy woman. Pretending that everything was the same was killing me but I had to do that in order to help her forget her pain at least for a few minutes. I was all she had, her parents had died years ago, and our children were living in foreign countries. She decided not to tell them before the last days, she did not want them to worry and suffer. It was so brave of her, not everyone can make such a decision.
I had always admired her for her courage and bravery but I really did not expect her to do such a thing. One day when I woke up I saw her sitting on the porch and looking at the sky, “l would be watching you all the time,” she said. L will be waiting for you until you come to me. ” I could not help myself stop crying, she was crying too. I hugged her and wiped out all her tears and kissed her eyes. I loved her more that anyone In my life, how could I let her go, I told her “We will be together till eternity. ” “Our pure love will last forever. Every day her condition was worse than the day before so I called my two sons to come back home. The night they came she was in her worst condition, they deserved to know the truth earlier but if she had seen them suffer because of her sickness, it would have caused her much more misery. They loved their mother o much and I could see what a great pain was waving in their eyes. They did everything they could to make her happy and every time she smiled at them, the smile which I actually forgot to remember. They didn’t leave her alone even for a second. L have always wanted to see my grandchildren. ” she told them. Muff must promise me to bring your children to my grave after I am gone. ” It was the middle of autumn; the ground was covered with yellow and orange leaves as if sun had walked into the earth. She whispered in my ears that she wanted to go to the yard and sit on the chair where we used to sit and watch our little garden in autumn. I took her there and sat there for an hour. Autumn was her favorite season. “Autumn teaches us how to let go of our pain as trees let go of their old leaves. ” She said. It reminds us that after each time we fall, we can rise again. ” She put her head on my shoulder, while she closed her eyes she told me “From now on, you should live, breath, and smile for both us. ” After a while, I told her we had better go inside because it was getting dark. But she remained still and did not say anything; her eyes did not open. That was the last thing I can remember of her, her closed eyes. I can’t even remember the next few days after she died. My son said he heard me screaming so loud in the garden that everyone could hear me.
I still do not know how they buried my beloved; he said I was sitting next to her grave and staring at it. Maybe it is a gift that I am not able to remember those gloomy days. Now it has been seven years since she has gone but I always sit on the same chair in the garden and look at the sky, every time I feel her kind hands on my face and hear her heavenly voice that tells me how much she loves me. I know that she is watching me from heaven waiting for me to go to her but till then I will live, breath, and smile for both of us in this world.